Greetings ladies and gentlemen of the international press – the CNNs, France24s and BBCs of the west. We trust that you are well, and you must be considering you have not spent the last few days ducking rubber bullets fired by the Kenya Police to disperse ‘rowdy Kenyan locals’.
First of all, my apologies on behalf of all my fellow ‘natives’. We, Kenyans have disappointed you greatly. It is completely unfair for media houses of great esteem, such as you are, to spend all the money to send their reporters to come and report on the post-election violence in Kenya – only for them to return home empty handed! As ‘natives’, we may not know exactly know how that feels but we have learnt to identify with the afflictions of many! May you find it in your hearts to forgive us for maintaining peace as we chose who among all our ‘corrupt African’ leaders would ascend to the various positions of power. However, this mistake was a deliberate one, the kind that we intend to repeat over and over again.
Secondly, we take this moment to introduce you to the new way of doing things in Kenya. Going forward, we intend to carry out ALL our elections in peace. In actual sense, this process has already started and we will continue to perfect it as time goes by. You must have heard about the attacks at the Coast where 6 policemen were killed – that was a terrorist attack, just like the ones you have back home and the situation is now under control thanks to our security forces. Unfortunately, you may need to replace all your pre-printed alarmist headlines with real headlines.
Feel free to choose from the samples below ;
‘Kenya Concludes it’s Peaceful Elections’
‘New Set of Leaders Elected in Kenya’
‘Kenya Surprises The International Community by Successfully Carrying out Democratic Elections’
Since you have proved to us on several occasions that you are very good at coming up with headlines – even imaginary ones – we leave the rest to your creativity. The key thing here is that you should think POSITIVE. Think the opposite of what you are used to and you won’t go wrong.
Finally, since you are already in Kenya, please feel free to report on other good things about our beautiful country – not just hyenas and hippos. A lot has happened since your were last here to report on (violent)elections. To name a few, there has been infrastructural developments, discovery of oil and the changing technology landscape.
Thank you for your support!
Raia wa Jamhuri Kuu ya Kenya (Citizen of The People’s Democratic Republic of Kenya) via #KOT (Kenyan’s on Twitter)